I’ve spent the largest part of my life, denying parts of myself, because I didn’t fit into the “normal” category – my perception of “normal” anyway
From as far back as I can remember – I was interested in all things psychic, other worldly, or in other words, things that couldn’t be explained.
But did I follow that path?
Be open about it?
I didn’t want to face the sceptics, or the naysayers.
Without feeling comfortable enough about it myself, how could I be able to stand true to my feelings, or be able to explain the things I experienced.
You see, I have always “felt” others emotions, in truth, a lot of people do, either directly feeling it within the body, or just somehow knowing.
What I have now come to realise is we are all made of energy, and it’s the energy that other people can sense.
Have you ever walked into a room after an argument?
You’ve no doubt heard the expression “you could cut the atmosphere with a knife”. Well that is the residual energy that you are feeling.
Some people (like me) are more sensitive to feeling that energy, and they can pick up on the more subtle energies – when something just doesn’t feel right.
So what have I done about it
After having denied this about myself for most of my life – down played the ability as just being a hunch. I even denigrated this, passing it off as “just me being silly –pay no attention”. or “I’m just being overly sensitive at the moment”.
Any of this sound familiar?
It took me until my early 50’s to start to take any of this seriously, and start to explore it.
My girls were at an age where they were more self sufficient, and didn’t need me as much.
My husband had started to explore these concepts from his exposure to yoga, and I finally felt that it was OK for me to explore this side of myself that I had denied for decades.
Do I wish I had started this journey before I did.
Well, Yes and No
The Pros and Cons
I could have started this journey so much earlier, instead of denying this part of me existed, andI could already be at the point of expanded abilities, so Yes, I do wish I had started exploring this earlier……..But
Right now – in this moment, it’s the perfect time for me, as I’m willing to embrace all that I am (the good and the bad). It’s also a lot more accepted, people in general are a lot more open to the possibilities. Plus, as my family are no longer so reliant on my time, I have the freedom to explore these things.
So much easier to hide
If I’m honest, I’m a coward in a lot of respects. I was happy playing small.
It’s was so much easier to hide.
I didn’t have to justify myself and my beliefs, or go against the “norm” and have to battle, and argue, and have people thinking I was weird.
At the heart of it all, I was a people pleaser – a chameleon of sorts.
I would change myself to fit in, to be liked, to be accepted. It was just so much easier to deny those parts of me – and cowardly!!
Acceptance of my truth.
Acceptance was such a huge thing for me – still is to a large degree.
I no longer consider myself a people pleaser.
I still want to be liked (and who doesn’t), but I’m no longer willing to change to be liked, to stand in my own truth, and be authentic.
I still try to avoid conflict – It unbalances me – makes me feel physically sick.
Now don’t get me wrong, when someone really pushes my buttons, or threatens someone dear to me – look out!
I can be vicious, lashing out with words that wound.
Spewing out venom like an erupting volcano. (I think you get the picture )
This generally takes a lot to get me to this point (note: my children and husband may disagree with this, but this is my story!! )
Now, I find myself feeling quietly confident.
I know my worth, and understand what I’m good at.
I’m beginning to understand a deeper part of me, my purpose if you like.
Balance and Harmony
I’m naturally drawn to want heal, soothe, and to bring back balance and harmony, but I can now realise when I need to stand back.
I’ve found I can acknowledge my strengths, without being big headed about it.
I’m not perfect, I don’t want to be. Perfection is an illusion in my opinion – something that is unattainable.
What I am is real, and honest, with both myself and others. I admit when I’ve made a mistake, and I look for the opportunity to grow from it, to learn.
I’ll be honest when I don’t have the capabilities – when the problem is far greater than I currently know. This was a hard one for me, as I always want to help.
Learning is a continuing journey
I am learning to listen and trust in that inner voice, when it speaks.
This decision to trust and step away from helping is not always received well, but part of my journey is understanding what I’m capable of, and how willing others are in receiving.
I’m still learning everyday.
Learning about the current perimeter of my knowledge and abilities and how I can expand those.
Understanding when my guidance system pulls me back from things, and when the pull back is resistance.
I’m learning how to be me and be OK with that
It’s a journey I’m willing to embark on, with all the hills, and valleys, the obstacles and the challenges. Everything put in my path, both good and bad, is a learning opportunity for me to evolve.
Finding me is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have ever done.
But I am worth it.